I went to have brunch at this fancy French restaurant that I heard had amazing french toast. But upon ordering the delicious dish, the French waiter just brought me a glass of champagne and a speech.
(Lolapoisson?)
A few months ago, I debuted some of my shitty jokes in the form of stand-up. It was my first time ever doing something like this, but luckily the crowd was a group of very supportive friends. My dear pal Amanda video-taped my “performance.”
Consider this a collector’s item, because I think this is the type of thing that people only go to see once.
Ever since my grandpa immigrated, he stopped being superstitious. He would always say, “I am in America now. And this is no country for OMEN!”
(LOLscars?)
Q: What do you call a ‘Famous Amos’ cookie that lives around the Earth?
A: an AMOSPHERE!!
My other personality has a much lower voice than the one I usually use. That’s why I refer to it as my ALTO EGO.
(LMAniacO?)
My fortune cookie just said, “Your artistic talents win the approval and applause of others.” I thought, “Omigod! What if this means I really do have a career in comedy!” But then I realized that it was only trying to sweet talk me into not eating it.
(lolunch?)
Some of my dude friends are unable to grow facial hair. I think this is sort of cute, but I suspect it makes some of them feel a little bit insecure. I don’t like it when my friends feel bad about themselves, so I have thought up a fun present I can give to these pals that will make them feel better: A t-shirt with a picture of a goat on it. When I give it to them I say, “I am sorry that you cannot grow a beard. But now you at least have a goat-tee!”
(lolabustedtee?)
Q: Why did my favorite pair of shoes get arrested for drug possession?
A: Because they were HIGH tops!
(hee heeL?)
